2/10/19
Day after my birthday. Not a single mention of it from Xander even though I reminded him the day before. He's been sick but I need to address it with him or else I'm contributing to raising a selfish, self-centered, unempathetic young man.

I've gotten into a habit of watching Hoarders on the weekend mornings. While depressing, I see glimpses of myself in the mental malfunctionings of these people. For the large part, they are creative and damaged. Their stuff is a protective barricade against some emotional trauma that occurred usually later on in their lives.
While I don't think I'm a hoarder in the classic sense of the word, because more stuff doesn't keep coming in, I have an almost impossible time getting rid of things that I don't use anymore. My stuff is arts and crafts supplies and memorabilia of what I recall as better times. That was then and good, and this is now and shitty. MN is shitty, my job is shitty, I've let my life become shitty as a result of shitty decisions. Coming here was a shitty decision and choosing to marry Dana was a shitty decision.
Then a series of losses sent me into a tailspin through which I thought I was managing. But it was too much: marriage ending, losing Cupid, having Mom die the day after I left her in Phx, the farm dream dying. I plugged along- working, adopting Tessie, raising Xander as best I could. I don't know why exactly, maybe because of insurance issues or maybe because it was spring and summer and I didn't "need" them, but I stopped taking meds. I got the idea in my head that I could and should move away. I convinced myself that Xander would be fine, and that my proposed visitation plan would work fine. However, Dana wasn't willing to work with me and I wasn't even aware of how my depression was pulling me down. I made the wrenching decision to return. Defeat, shame, dreams crushed. But I still thought I was doing OK. Trip to San Diego; right now I can't recall if it had been planned before coming back or was more last minute. When did the suicide seed get planted? I honestly don't remember what flipped that switch but it was before the trip.