A few minutes ago, I finished telling Xander about the move. He took it very well. Seemed upset at first, very hyper. Then I could see the wheels turning in his head: how he would deal with his father for the additional time, the monthly (hopefully) plane trips, who he needed to phone asap. We talked for about 15 minutes. He asked lots of questions, including about my job and if I'd have a house or apartment. He gave me a few hugs...for me? For him? It doesn't matter. I appreciated them.
For me, after weeks of apprehension and worry, there is an initial sense of relief. But feelings of inadequacy are starting: is he taking the news too well? Where is the anger I expected? Why isn't he going to miss me more? Is he actually relieved I'm leaving?
My feelings have been all over the map the past few weeks, and the next few weeks and months aren't likely to be calmer. I'll be fine and I pray Xander will be also. The good news is that Xander doesn't hate me for my decision; now I must work to keep us close over the miles and somehow prevent as much resentment against me as possible. On my end, I must try to keep my guilt in check. This seems momentous today. Like the point of no return has been passed. I hope tomorrow will not be so emotional, even if by just a little. If only life went smoothly and peacefully the next couple of months and then a routine is established. It's time for the Deb who's been stuck for so long to be free and live her life. It does feel good to have hope.
