But having heat and a running tractor is only part of my emotional well being, and I'm not feeling happy or whatever my comparable feeling of satisfaction with life is. Is it simply because I cannot be happy in the winter in Minnesota? Because my eyes just welled up with tears as I wrote that, I'm guessing Yes. But there's also a constant undercurrent of fear of the unknown that isn't correlated with the weather. It's a result of the divorce, I'm sure, and I hope that will pass in time. However, it's also due to that feeling of being stuck and not in control of my own destiny which has lingered year after year and is not going away despite the therapy and trying to talk myself out of it with its associated self-directed treatments (art, exercise, friends). Should I try harder now that Cupid is gone? Maybe, because I realize that the time we spent together during the hard times was so therapeutic. Our walks and our naps with that time to "check out" really kept me going, and now it's gone with no replacement. I can hear my old group telling me I need to find different activities but I would tell them to f off. It's not healthy or productive but I just continue to rant about how much I hate this place and plan my escapes to AZ. It's my outlet - venting - and while I don't want to brainwash X, I've been hearing some positive comments recently. It started about a week ago when the subject of college came up and he surprised me by saying he wanted to go to college in California. I asked why and he said it was because it's warm in CA. I can't express how happy this made me! I didn't think that he thought like that. I assumed that because he's a kid he's therefore oblivious to cold and snowy weather. Score!! I was wrong, and that's OK. Then, a couple of nights ago, I was feeling inadequate about another one of X's long pre-bedtime conversations with his father. How can they chat for so long while X and my talks are awkward and strained (at least that's how I feel sometimes). So I spied on him. I know, that's wrong, but I'm so glad I did. I heard X expressing his own feelings about a couple of things: his faith, and then winters here. Dana sounded (they were on speaker phone) a little surprised when X said he wanted to go to college in CA, asked why, and X told him he "gets tired of the cold here". I nearly shouted with joy! I love that kid. To give D credit, he didn't try to influence X in either subject. Who knows how X will feel as he grows up but for an 11 y.o., he's got a good head on his shoulders and isn't afraid to say what he thinks. And he understands what I complain about, and wants better for himself! Love it.
